STOP APOLOGIZING

It starts with a nod
and ends with a screamed “STOP APOLOGIZING!”

i was in a deep mental pit
there was nowhere left to scroll
so I went to the store

the promise of spiked seltzer and “self-medicating”
my body is a lab rat, my mind steers

GET ON WITH IT!

Sorry!
On the narrow bit of sidewalk outside Mr. Market.
Or is it Ms. Market? Mrs. Market?

GET ON WITH IT!!

Ahead of me, walking toward me, a person switches lanes
from the middle - away from me - toward the sidewalk
taking the outside lane near the curb, going around the lamppost

I’ll draw you a diagram la-

GET ON WITH IT!!!!

Yeah alright sorry!

i nodded and mumbled a thank you,
then moved to pass the lady in front of me

suddenly
quickly
the person

stepped back in my lane
direct eye contact
aggressive:

“What are you saying to me?”

I was caught off guard and crushed.
I was crumbling and mumbling.
”I was just saying ‘thank you’”

“What? You’re confusing me! Are you saying something to me!?”

I couldn’t match them.

I was babbling while my brain reeled
walkinglanes - noddingtostrangers - howdyneighbor
I was sayingsorry - itwasnothing - justathankyou.

I've thought alot since
about this person's personal rain cloud.

in the moment i projected my full doom-scroll onto them.
And I was sorry that they felt how i felt. (but did they even?)

this person couldn’t know i’ve run 2k+ miles in the park
thinking all-that-time about walking lanes
wearing my holdon.letmeoverthinkthis tee
being weirdlysouthernwaytoofriendlyhowdythere to randos

And how much my mood that day just needed a little you're-welcome

This person had RAGE. they were mad! They were angry!
Maybe at me!
if they weren’t mad at me before,
my sorries were certainly getting us there.

“What are you saying?! I’m confused! Stop Apologizing!”

Clear voice, great presence, this one ^.
Should consider the debate team.

I’d been scrolling and cloistering, and for days.
mulling over mind-boggling executive orders and recind-sions
the patent and blatant denial of people’s basic humanity
feeling local and global paranoia about the actual intentions of people
content to act in such obviously evil ways
denying whether humans exist at all
or if they deserve any shred of decency or compassion

i can’t understand how so many people are so asleep at the wheel
while the maniac millionaire bus drivers steer us straight off the cliff

and here I am, asleep on my feet, caught in a cloud
right on the sidewalk.
I can’t even talk to people. I just confuse them.

I'm trapped in my head!

I collapsed under the sidewalk RAGER’S questions.
I started to just walk away
praying to Yoda and Miyazaki that they would let me go.
As we (finally) departed,
i picked myself up to say one more thing.

“Look, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to make a whole thi-”

They flipped out. Full scream this time.

!> “STOP APOLOGIZING!!!”

That final yell really shook me.
It felt like it shook the whole (thankgoditsempty) block!
I can still hear it in my mind’s ear. (mind’s ears?)

In the store i caught myself as tears hit me
which made it worse b/c it was mixed with embarrassment!
like wtf is happening i'm just walking to the store!

i was shook.

Take deep breaths and just hold on.
Everything is fine.
There’s a storm coming, but it’s not here yet.

i bought eggs.
I never buy eggs, but it was in the doom-scrolls so it seemed
important.

i realized i have no idea how much we normally pay for eggs.
I’m one of of these g.d. sleeping bus driving egg heads!
I’m asleep at the wheel!

I feel bad about this, but before I can say I’m s-

STOP! APOLOGIZING!

I made it back home
watched Green Planet and Princess Mononoke
(focused recovery couch time)

I’ve been processing this for days
and writing this out has helped a ton
Thank you Flash Fiction February and RAGE PROMPT
OK I LOVE YOU GOOD NIGHT SEE YOU TOMORROW